December 19, 2009

On Saturday, December 19th I miscarried for the 2nd time. In some ways this was harder in other ways it was easier. It is difficult to describe how I feel and the heart ache that I have. The fear of losing this baby became real and I was not prepared for it.

We were one day shy of 13 weeks pregnant. We had gone in the Tuesday before and had an ultrasound. Everything looked great. The baby was jumping all around and the heart beat was 174. The reason we had gone in was some light bleeding. We were told that it is common at the point in the pregnancy to have some sort of bleeding.

The Friday night before, I experienced abdonminal pressure and low back pain through out the night with not much relief. We were told by the Doctor that, that was common. The next day the pain was gone. I was tired and relaxed for the majority of the day. By that evening, I began to bleed heavily and Richard rushed me to the Emergency Room. When the Doctor checked me he told me that I was having a miscarriage. The pain of those words, penetrated my body. I looked at Richard as he held my hand and prayed.

I will stop there and finish the ER experince later. I just have to say, losing a baby is so hard. We loved that baby. He was a part of us. We had fallen in love with this baby the minute we found out we were pregnant. I will never forget the Love I have for that baby. Richard and I know that the Lord is protecting us, comforting us, and Loves us.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today is Christmas Eve. We want to rejoice in your birth. Lord, the pain and hurt that I feel is so overwhelming. Please calm my nerves and help me find the JOY in you today and everyday. Please calm my heart and help me to find refuge in you. Lord, I love you and trust you even through this.

Amen

10 weeks tomorrow!!!!

Tomorrow is my 10 week appointment with the OB Doctor. I think that this is going to be the longest ten months of my life! It's funny how time goes by so fast with some things, yet seems to slow down with others!

We are so excited to be pregnant, yet I am still nervous. I am praying that the Lord will help me to find peace about this pregnancy and also find the joy in it!

My little pumpkin seed.....

I am so excited, I can't even expain it! We are 8 weeks pregnant. In the ultra sound picture it is 6 weeks and we were able to see the heart beat!

It has been over 11 years that Richard and I have tried to concieve. We have tried different things and nothing worked. I knew that the Lord had promised us a baby, yet I had my doubts. You see, our enemy likes to decieve us and cloud our minds so that we forget the promises of the Lord!

In April, I found out that I was pregnant. The next day, I had a miscarriage. That is one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through. I was not alone though. My husband is an amazing man and he walked through this with me. The Lord lifted my head on days that I couldn't. He sent people into my life to encourage me and show me that I can do all things through him!

After this alot of emotional healing needed to happen. I continued to seek the Lord and ask for his support. I continued to see Dr.Sandy who gave me advise on what to do. She gave me some vitamins to help get my body back into shape. I continued to excersize and take my vitamins.

It was recommended that we not get pregnant for at least 3 to 4 months. This seemed ridiculous seeings how it took us so long to get pregnant in the first place. We followed the recommendation. Now we are 8 weeks pregnant and we got to see the heart beat at 6 weeks. I know that we are far from having this baby, but my hope is being restored. He is healing my body. I know that obedience to his calling is why I have conceived in the first place.

I am chosing not to listen to the doubts in my head. I am believeing that the Lord is blessing us with a child as a promise he has given me. This Blog is going to change a little bit. It has been about my weight loss journey and now we are taking a little detour. It is going to be about my pregnany...good, bad and ugly...don't worry, I still have a weight loss journey to go and will continue that when the time is right. For now....IT is all about this NEW bundle of joy that is about the size of a pumpkin seed...that is my little pumpkin.

some thoughts

Why is it so hard to drag your butt out of bed to work out when the work our feels so good when you are done?

Why is it so hard to just sit still before the Lord?

Why do I desire "relaxing time", but don't take it when I can?

Why doesn't the laundry fairy visit my house?

I am sure that I will have more questions to come...

5:45 wake up call

The alarm sounds, its 5:45 am, the rooster is crowing and I plug my ears and try to fall back to sleep. I say to Richard, I do not feel like working out this morning. Yes you do, he says. No, I don't and why would I want to? Richard says because you feel better when you do...I crawl out of bed and go to the gym...Thanks Richard for encouraging me. You are awesome. I had a great work out all because of you.

I sit here thinking about what in this crazy brain I should share with you. Well here it goes. I am going to start with some of the things that I have not been successful with over the past month or so. I have allowed the enemy to place a foothold into my life. Gradually he snuck his way in and interrupted this path I am on.
I am almost certain that adding wheat back into my diet has started to cause me to get migraines. Even though I know that wheat is causing this issue, I continue to eat it because I am an addict and I want it.

I have been craving sweets. Rather than filling that craving with healthy sweets like fruit, I have chosen to eat sugar free candies, ice cream, puddings, etc. Since I am not eating the fruits, it gave me a way out of eating my vegetables. In the past to help me get my vegetables in I ate twice as many vegetables as I did fruit. Since I was not eating very much fruit I did not need the vegetables. It is amazing to me that my mind can actually make sense of that!

This summer schedule for me has been busy. It has been harder to make it to the gym and I have allowed that to be an excuse not to go.

Many times throughout this bible study I have had to cram to get the bible study done the day of the meeting. I have not memorized scriptures and a few times I forgot to contact my prayer partner.

All of these things are key to me being successful at losing weight and becoming the person that the Lord wants me to be.

This last session proved to be a real challenge for me. I lost focus of my goals and started to focus on what sounded good to eat instead of what my body needed. As I sought the Lord this week I asked for him to speak to me and help me with this testimony. The scripture that he brought to my attention was, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord Joshua 24:15. I have heard this scripture so many times and I thought what does that have to do with this? I have always thought of that scripture as the people in our home would serve the Lord. The Lord told me to dig deeper.

As I thought about this scripture and began to pray, I realized what he was saying to me. My body is the house! I need to be serving the Lord with my mind and my body. When I am overeating or eating out of my emotions, I am not serving the Lord. I need the Lord and I want to be his servant.

I allowed the enemy to tempt me just as he tempted Eve in the garden. I accepted and I am sure he is standing back there happy as a clam… Well not anymore. I am through letting him win. I have Jesus and I am choosing to stand firm and not allow temptations to rule my life anymore!

My goals for this next session are these:
• Omit wheat
• Omit artificial desserts
• Eat twice as many vegetables as fruit
• Exercise daily
• Bible study
• Scripture memory

I am so thankful for the love and support that I receive from our group. Every week I am encouraged at our meetings and look forward to the next meeting. I want to say thank you to everyone who has prayed for me, contacted me through the prayer partner forms, and supported me on this journey.

Dear heavenly father,
I come before you asking for your help through this journey. It has been difficult over the past few months to follow you and what you have called me to. Being healthy has been one of the hardest things that you have called me to. Lord, I want to be all that you have made me to be. I want to be healthy for my kids, my husband and myself. Help me to seek you in this journey. Let me hear from you. Lord I ask for your grace and forgiveness for the times I have veered off the path and ask that you would make my path straight.
Amen

Dear God

Those who read my blog...writing this down is really hard for me...It is easier to share the easy times than the hard times. I feel like I need to be accountable to you as well as myself and the Lord. This is a letter to the Lord of how I am feeling today.


Dear God,

This is one of those prayers that I come before your feet seeking your help, your stregnth and your guidence. You have brought me so far. This last month I have felt like I am losing control of my eating. I know that you are the one in control, so Lord I am asking that you would help me to give this control back to you. This burden does not have to be mine, you can lift it from me.

Lord, I want you to complete the work that you have began in me. You have been giving me my life back and that is what I yearn for. I have fears of doing what I have done in the past. I do not want to give up hope! Please restore my body to what you want it to be. Help me to be whole and glorify you.

This has been an amazing journey that you have put me on. There has been good times and bad times, yet you have always been there. Please help me through this season of my life. I do not want to go back to where I was before.

You amaze me every day. In greater detail these are the things that I need help with:

OVEREATING
EXCERSIZE
JOURNALING
FOOD JOURNALING
DAILY DEVOTION WITH YOU
ACCOUNTABILITY

Lord please replant the desires in my heart to be a healthier me. You are the vine and I am the branches, please prune what needs pruned and water what needs watered. Give me nourishment and substain me. I love you.

Amen