December 27th 2009

This is so hard. I don't know what else to say. I want to feel better, but don't know how. I keep praying and I know time will help. That does not take care of right now. It is a difficult spot to be in.

In some ways having so many kids is a blessing because it urges me to move on. I can't stay in bed all day like I want to. In other ways I wonder if "moving on", is causing me not to mourn the way that I should.

Yeah, going to church is hard, but not going is just avoiding the ineviditable. Today was not so bad. Not many people were there. I just prayed for stregnth to make it through and stregnth to continue going. If it were not for the kids I would be a hermit and stay home. I didn't go to the Christmas Eve service because I wanted to avoid people and this situation. I went to a friends and family Christmas party yesterday and it took everything I had to keep it together. No one understands the pain.

Dear Heavenly Father,

The pain that I feel is so deep. It is in my heart and I need your healing. I need you in my life more now than I ever have. Please heal my heart. Help me to allow you to heal me. In some ways I think that if I allow you to heal this pain, I am letting go. Well, I don't want to let go. I will always remember this baby. This baby was a part of me and a part of Richard. Lord, you knit that baby together for us. So please restore our hope and begin the healing that we so desperatly need.

In Jesus name,

Amen