Day 3 of the 21 deay cleanse

Today I am feeling rather confident. That is confident that we will be able to do this cleanse. I don't think that everyone has the same level of difficulty when it comes to food. Some people know when the are full. They know when to stop. They know to say "no" to ice cream. I am not one of those "lucky" people. I have to have major will power to turn down food even when I am not hungry. Every peice of food that goes in my mouth has to be thought out and planned. Doing this is so hard. This is why I struggle with getting to a healthy weight. It takes work and eventually I give up on that work. I don't want to give up. I want to be the healthy woman that the Lord has created me to be. This time I choose to draw my stregnth from the Lord. This means I need to turn my focus to the Lord and away from food. This takes time and dedication, but when it all comes down to it, I am worth it.

Today, I sat here thinking about how food has control of me. I will sit here and think about what sounds good and go eat it. If I don't have it, I go to the store to get it. The truth is that I am usually not hungry when I do have it. I have come accustomed to eating what I want, when I want, and how ever much I want. This has caused me to become overweight and unhealthy.

Dear Lord,

I am so sorry for putting food before you. I seek your forgiveness and guidence with all my food problems. I know that you have created me to be so much more than I am. That you have created me, to love me. Lord, help me to not give up. To continue to seek you in all that I do. I want to learn to come to you as I feel myslef slipping away and turning towards food. I want to find my comfort in you and not things of this world.

Thank you for this cleanse. It is helping me to see you more clearly. Please continue to help me get through the next 21 days and all the days that follow. I also thank you for putting our First Place group together. You have given me wonderful people to support me and help me through this journey. I give thanks for Dr. Sandy. She is helping so many of us. I know that it is you who gave her the knowledge, it is you who put her in our lifes. Lord I ask that you bless her and her family as she acts in obedience to your will.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Cleanse verses Diet

I have spent alot of time thinking about this cleanse. It is day two and I would really like to have some meat. How ironic is that? Normally I crave chips, candy, cakes, potatos, and fried foods. Now that I can only have fruits and vegies, I crave meat, cheese, and eggs. Why is it that I always want what I can't have?

This cleanse is such a good thing! I am hoping that it will help us make better food choices after we are done. Those foods that we ususally crave will not seem so important, after going without the healthy ones for 21 days!

Dear God,

Please continue to give Richard and I the stregnth to do this cleanse in a way that would glorify you and your works. Lord, continue to speak to us each day and lead us in all that we do. We want our bodies to be healed and healthy. We desire to live for you and only you. Help our focus to remain on you. You have spoken to me over this past year that NO TEMPTATION CAN SEIZE YOU EXCEPT WHAT IS COMMON TO MAN, BUT YOU ARE FAITHFUL AND YOU WILL NOT LET US BE TEMPTED BEYOND WHAT WE CAN BEAR, BUT WHEN YOU ARE TEMPTED YOU WILL PROVIDE A WAY OUT...Lord I pray that over our life and over our weight loss group. Let us come to you and we will find victory in all area's of our life.

Thank You Jesus,

Amen

21 day cleanse

Today I began a 21 day cleanse. The idea behind this cleanse is to detoxify my body. Over time our body builds up things that can cause us not to feel well and the cleanse is like a spring cleaning for our bodies.

The first day has proven to be difficult. I have not been hungry, but I do want to eat. I have a real issue with food. I like to eat and I like to eat alot of what I am eating. Taking control of this is a challenge, especially the first couple of days of trying to eat healthy. Adding a cleanse into the mix makes it more difficult. For the next 10 days I can eat 3 shakes, veggies, and fruit.

I have done this cleanse once before, but this time I get to do it with others. This way we can support each other and give each other encouragement. We also have a weekly meeting that Dr. Sandy is heading up and teaching us things about nutrition and the cleanse.

I rejoice in the timing of the cleanse. I have really "let things go", when it comes to nutrition and taking care of my body. I have many excuses as to why I have allowed this. When it really comes down to it, I went to food for things that I should have been going to the Lord for. Food is often what I seek my comfort in and that is wrong even with my justifications.

Losing our baby this last month, really brought me down. My heart says that I want to get pregnant again so that we can have a baby, but in my mind I am afraid. I know that to get pregnant, I have to eat the right way, excersize, and take care of myself. I wonder if self consciously I was sabatauging myself. I say NO MORE! The Lord says that I do no need to fear, so I am going to hang tight to that promise. I need to take care of myself regardless of the situation.

Dear Lord,

I thank you for always being there for me. I love that we can come to you when we need encouragement or stregnth. Lord help me and those doing the cleanse. We need stregnth, nourishment, and your peace over the next weeks. Help us to stay true to ourselves and to you. Lord, we want to be healthy, we want to make healthy life style changes and we know that we can not do this with out you.

Please continue to heal my body and my mind. Richard and I desire a healthy pregnancy and baby. Help my body to be prepared and heal.

Amen

Gym

Last week I restarted our gym membership with a commitment for 6 months! I have gone 3 times since then. The first day I just went swimming and sat in the jacuzzi. Yesterday I was on the eliptical for 25 minutes and today for 30 mintues. My upper body is hurting and I sure can feel the muscles in my legs.

Lord,

Please give me the stregnth and the will power to go to the gym and get in some excersize. I know that this is what my body needs to become a healthier me. Lord, I know I need to come to you with my struggles. I am struggling with food and overeating. I ask that you would help me to make good food choices and Lord that you would plant the desire in my heart to do better. I pray stregnth and guidence and I prasie your Holy name.

Amen

I can not believe that I am 31..

Being in my 30's has taken a toll on my body. It is amazing the aches and pains that I have daily. I even see those aches and pains coming out in Richard. I remember in my 20's feeling like my body hurt all the time and Richard never having an ache or a pain. Not any more. It seems like his wrist, feet, toes, back, knees, etc are in pain. I feel for him and I feel for all those in their 30's having pain.

Richard and I went out to dinner with Thomas and Leah for Thomas and my Birthday. We had a great time. After dinner I took Richard to Cheeba Hut to go to their friends and family celebration. Richard wanted me to go with him. The problem was that he had told the owners about me being pregnant and had not seen them since we miscarried. I just could not face them. I have never met them, however I did not want to go thru the questions of how far along I was and so forth. I am so tired of this! It is just so hard! Richard says he just wishes that this was done. Me too! I just want to scream sometimes.

It feels like I am having to face a fear everyday....Losing our baby was one of my biggest fears. Having to share that with people is so hard.

Lord,

Please help me face this miscarriage. I don't want to hide from it. Lord, give me courage to get through this. I also pray for all the aches and pains in this world and ask for healing. Let the 30's be a blessing to Richard and I.

Amen

Remembering the Good

I have not made an entry in a while. I was thinking that maybe it was because I am feeling better. The truth is I have just avoided it. When I journal about things it causes me to think about our baby and brings sadness to my life, my day. Sometimes just not thinking about what we have been through feels like the best thing to do.

I can't just forget or ignore, I need to allow the healing process in my life, but it is just so hard. There are simple, little things that just make my eyes well up with tears. For instance; getting a headache, getting in the jacuzzi, drinking caffeine. All things that I could not do when I was pregnant and now can because I am not. When Richard touches my belly, I want to cry because I remember how joyous it was when he held me knowing that there was a baby.

Sometimes I just want to SCREAM! Each meeting or gathering I go to is hard. I have to
pray for the strength and courage to go. I know that I will have to face it each time. It is inevitable that us losing our baby is brought up.

The one things that I know is that I do no want to forget. I want to remember the feeling of being pregnant, the response when I told Richard, the response of my friends, and the first time that we got to see our baby on the ultra sound or the last time when the baby was jumping around...not just kicking but actually jumping. There is good that came of this pregnancy...I want to remember the good.

Facing the Giants

Richard and I watched the movie Facing the Giants for the second time. As we sat there, I began to remember what it was about. This couple that was struggling in many area's of life. One of them was with infertility. I remember relating so well with them when we had watched it before. Tears formed in my eyes through out this movie. God's grace and redemption was protrayed so well.

One of the scenes in this movie, the football team had lost the game that would have gotten them into the state play offs. They walked off the field and into change they're gear with such disappointment. When the coach walked in, he told them that they had played a good game. That they had done a good job that season. Then he said, "we praised God when we won and we need to praise God when we don't." The team got on they're knees and began to praise the Lord.

Wow, this really spoke to me. I need to praise the Lord in all situations. Even when it is hard. The Lord deserves our praise at all times and in all situations. I have felt like this team alot lately. It is defeat that I feel. The Lord does not want me to be defeated. He wants to use me for the greater good. I want to be used for the greater good!

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for speaking to me. Something that I am learning is that you can use all things to speak to us as long as we listen. Facing the Giants is a true story of your love and how you meet all of our needs as long as we are willing. Lord, I am willing. I want to face the giants in my life. I love you with all of my heart and want you to use me. Lord, I ask again that you heal the pain in my heart. I pray for your comfort and I praise you for who you are and what you are doing in my life.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

12/3/2009

Last night as I lay in bed, I told Richard that I was not looking forward to going to church. That has been one of the hardest parts of losing our baby. That is facing the people that love and care for us. They know our hearts and they know our desires, so they hurt right along with us. In some ways I wish nobody knew...

We had communion today and I spent time praying and asking for forgiveness for any blame that I was placing on the Lord and thanking the Lord all that he has done for me.

As church ended, Richard prayed for those Lost, and those who have experienced loss. I could hear the tears he was forcing back, in return it brought tears to my eyes. This man I love, has loved so much. I am blessed to have a husband that Loves and cares for us all.

The Church prayed for us. I am not one that likes to have my life displayed before people. Maybe that is what the Lord is calling me too.. It hurts though. As they prayed I could not hold back the tears.

We ended church with worshop. I surrender, all to you, all to you....More tears. I wanted to run out of the church and be alone, but I couldn't I just stood there, letting this songs precious words soak into my soul.

Lord,

I desire to surrender to you in all area's of my life. I need you more that anything. Help me to come to you and not blame you, but find redemption in you. You know my hurts and you know my pains, I ask that you heal them and help me to grow closer to you through this.

Amen