Remembering the Good

I have not made an entry in a while. I was thinking that maybe it was because I am feeling better. The truth is I have just avoided it. When I journal about things it causes me to think about our baby and brings sadness to my life, my day. Sometimes just not thinking about what we have been through feels like the best thing to do.

I can't just forget or ignore, I need to allow the healing process in my life, but it is just so hard. There are simple, little things that just make my eyes well up with tears. For instance; getting a headache, getting in the jacuzzi, drinking caffeine. All things that I could not do when I was pregnant and now can because I am not. When Richard touches my belly, I want to cry because I remember how joyous it was when he held me knowing that there was a baby.

Sometimes I just want to SCREAM! Each meeting or gathering I go to is hard. I have to
pray for the strength and courage to go. I know that I will have to face it each time. It is inevitable that us losing our baby is brought up.

The one things that I know is that I do no want to forget. I want to remember the feeling of being pregnant, the response when I told Richard, the response of my friends, and the first time that we got to see our baby on the ultra sound or the last time when the baby was jumping around...not just kicking but actually jumping. There is good that came of this pregnancy...I want to remember the good.