Jesus holding our baby

I keep seeing this picture of Jesus holding our baby. He tells me that it is okay because our baby is with him. All I can do is cry because I wanted to hold our baby. Comfort comes in knowing that our baby is with Jesus, a sadness takes hold because I did not get to hold our little one.

Lord,

Help me to get past this image so that I can hear and see what else you have for me.

Amen

December 27th 2009

This is so hard. I don't know what else to say. I want to feel better, but don't know how. I keep praying and I know time will help. That does not take care of right now. It is a difficult spot to be in.

In some ways having so many kids is a blessing because it urges me to move on. I can't stay in bed all day like I want to. In other ways I wonder if "moving on", is causing me not to mourn the way that I should.

Yeah, going to church is hard, but not going is just avoiding the ineviditable. Today was not so bad. Not many people were there. I just prayed for stregnth to make it through and stregnth to continue going. If it were not for the kids I would be a hermit and stay home. I didn't go to the Christmas Eve service because I wanted to avoid people and this situation. I went to a friends and family Christmas party yesterday and it took everything I had to keep it together. No one understands the pain.

Dear Heavenly Father,

The pain that I feel is so deep. It is in my heart and I need your healing. I need you in my life more now than I ever have. Please heal my heart. Help me to allow you to heal me. In some ways I think that if I allow you to heal this pain, I am letting go. Well, I don't want to let go. I will always remember this baby. This baby was a part of me and a part of Richard. Lord, you knit that baby together for us. So please restore our hope and begin the healing that we so desperatly need.

In Jesus name,

Amen

I am tired of feeling so sad

Today we had a Christmas Party at the VFW hall for friends and family. Alot of people were there. I do not know why I went. I distanced myself from as many people as I could. I did not want to be there. I just want to feel "normal", again. A Few people said they were sorry and asked me how I am doing. How am I suppose to answer how I am doing. I would like to say I feel like crap. I lost my baby. Most days I don't want to drag my butt out of bed, but do because I have too. No, I politley say, I am fine or what ever. The truth is, I am not fine. I am sad, angry, and I hurt all the time. Everything I see or do reminds me of our a baby.

Lord,

Please help me to find peace amongst all this hurt. I don't want to be angry or bitter. I want to feel good again. Lord, we want a baby to hold, love, and raise. I ask that you give us that Lord. A healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy. Lord lift our fears and help us to find you through this.

Amen

Alot on my mind...

Lately, I have been waking up with so much on my mind, I am having a hard time organizing my thoughts. Even as I sit to pray, my mind wanders and I have a hard time focusing on the Lord.

A song that keeps coming to my mind..."Lord I give you my heart, I give you my Soul, I long for you alone, every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way in me." I realy want this song to ring truth in my life.

Dear Heavenly Father,

As I come before your thrown of grace, I seek forgiveness where I have hardened my heart to you. I ask that you fill me with your spirit and restore the hope in me. Lord, restore that hope in Richard. Lord, losing this baby, has created a loss in me that is deep and I am afraid. I feel like you were not there. Like you were not listening to my prayers. Lord, I know that you were there. These thoughts haunt me and take over. Help me to see you through this. Lord, lead me to you. I give you my heart, soul, and I long for the moments where I can be alone with you and give you everything without fear.

In Jesus name,

Amen

Christmas Eve

What a wonderful time we got to spend at my parents house last night. We had lots of good food (soup, little sandwiches, cheese, crackers, chips, soda, egg nog and more) and lots of good conversation.

We decided not to go to the Christmas Eve service. Losing the baby is just to close to home and I just wanted to celebrate. My heart broke a little further as my mom looked at a ultra sound picture of LilyAnn. Cherysh saw it and said "look, our baby" with excitement. My heart melted and I could not keep from crying. I excused myself and went to the bathroom to cry. Why is this so hard? Why can't I find the joy in the small things? I am so thankful for LilyAnn. That is not what this is about. I miss our baby and the hopes that we had with being pregnant. I miss the joy that we had when our kids talked about our baby.

Today is Chritmas. Kenny reminded me this morning that it is Jesus's birthday. That brings happiness to my life. To know that we are raising kids to know and Love our savior.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for sending your Son to save the world. Thank you for this Christmas day. You have provided for our family and blessed us in so many ways. Lord, please help me to remember the Love you have for us when I am feeling broken hearted. Help me replace my fears with your hope. As we begin to celebrate Christmas today, penetrate our hearts and remind us of what your birth really means. Protect those who are missing loved ones and the broken hearted.

In Jesus name,

Amen

December 19, 2009

On Saturday, December 19th I miscarried for the 2nd time. In some ways this was harder in other ways it was easier. It is difficult to describe how I feel and the heart ache that I have. The fear of losing this baby became real and I was not prepared for it.

We were one day shy of 13 weeks pregnant. We had gone in the Tuesday before and had an ultrasound. Everything looked great. The baby was jumping all around and the heart beat was 174. The reason we had gone in was some light bleeding. We were told that it is common at the point in the pregnancy to have some sort of bleeding.

The Friday night before, I experienced abdonminal pressure and low back pain through out the night with not much relief. We were told by the Doctor that, that was common. The next day the pain was gone. I was tired and relaxed for the majority of the day. By that evening, I began to bleed heavily and Richard rushed me to the Emergency Room. When the Doctor checked me he told me that I was having a miscarriage. The pain of those words, penetrated my body. I looked at Richard as he held my hand and prayed.

I will stop there and finish the ER experince later. I just have to say, losing a baby is so hard. We loved that baby. He was a part of us. We had fallen in love with this baby the minute we found out we were pregnant. I will never forget the Love I have for that baby. Richard and I know that the Lord is protecting us, comforting us, and Loves us.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today is Christmas Eve. We want to rejoice in your birth. Lord, the pain and hurt that I feel is so overwhelming. Please calm my nerves and help me find the JOY in you today and everyday. Please calm my heart and help me to find refuge in you. Lord, I love you and trust you even through this.

Amen

10 weeks tomorrow!!!!

Tomorrow is my 10 week appointment with the OB Doctor. I think that this is going to be the longest ten months of my life! It's funny how time goes by so fast with some things, yet seems to slow down with others!

We are so excited to be pregnant, yet I am still nervous. I am praying that the Lord will help me to find peace about this pregnancy and also find the joy in it!